| Friday, September 05, 2008 |
| Reality Bites. |
When I started in my first job at age 17, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. All I knew was that I didn’t want to continue with my father’s business.
I never did think of my career as steady natural progression. I never planned anything, didn’t once sit down to figure out future goals, money requirements, pay packages, retirement. Hell no. Never thought too much of making quantum salary leaps when I made them and didn’t sweat over pay cuts every time I switched industries because I was curious about doing something else other than routine. The way I saw it, there was so much to do and I could never do all of it if I stayed stagnant and stationary. To most people, a steady upward graph in one job was vital. To me, when the thought of going to work felt dreadful in the morning, it was time to move on.
I would like to think that somewhere along the line I found my calling, if you can call it that. And to make things worse I apparently had the talent for it too, obviously I didn’t know it then but would realise it over the next few years, as I would be told so in so many words by other people I would work with.
It all sounds very good but the truth is that only Shah Rukh Khan can say that ‘If you want something badly enough the whole world conspires to make it happen for you’. The reality is the exact opposite – I think it was Chris Gardner who said that ‘the better you are at something, the tougher the world makes it for you’.
So I find myself 5 years into answering the call and still not having received any definitive response from the other end. Things are different now; I’m older, slightly wiser and unhealthier. I still feel the need for that insane headrush, but it has been tempered down a little by the need for things like medical insurance.
The girlfriend says that it’s not easy to be where I am and I am being selfish and myopic in negating all I have sacrificed to get here. She says I am better off than the average Joe who doesn’t even have a calling, forget getting around to answering it. Success is an extremely personal and individualistic phenomenon, she says. I agree with most things she says, largely because she bites if I don’t.
I think my problem is that over the years I have started to take stock of things too often. I think it’s equally bad to not do it at all, like most people I know. Nothing is more valuable than the happiness and love we share, the girlfriend says. I completely agree, and not just because of the biting.
Still, I’d have liked to see myself today where I thought I would be, 5 years ago when I kick started the process with great gusto. 5 years on and the spirit hasn’t dampened, though reality has hit hard, and faith and trust have taken a severe beating.
Then again, I’m happy that a great guitar riff still gives me gooseflesh. I’m happy that beautiful lyrics still make me cry. I’m happy that I feel like watching a well-written scene in a film again and again. I’m happy that I find the sense of humour to laugh at the most inane of jokes. I’m happy that I still instinctively look into a woman’s eyes and not at her breasts. I’m happy that I can still enjoy a conversation with the building kids and completely understand their point of view instead of humouring them. I’m happy that our cook Sangeeta finds me likeable enough to make it a point to remember my likes and dislikes and not just because I will bitch and moan and make her life miserable if she doesn’t. I’m happy that I still feel my girlfriend is way out of my league. I’m happy that she is with me despite me.
So the past 5 years may not have yielded expected results, but I have somehow made my way to a place where I can say that ‘I tried and I am human and happy’. Vis-à-vis saying ‘I did it and I am cold and unhappy.’
I’m not throwing in the towel yet. And I think it’s because I am the former.
Also because she'll bite if I do. |
posted by n.g. at 19:44
(3) Peg(s) of Whisky
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